It just happened...

2006-08-02T07:05:00.000-07:00

The Jailor at Pamella Club...

Its better to put disclaimers like the one I am going to paste now. Otherwise, these people, with the kind of political clout they have, can get an ant like me rammed under their steps and swallow my entity without the slightest burp and resume their game of rummy till dawn. It would be at 7 past midnight, that their yawning and yearning wives would get up ‘alone’ from the cushy-mushy beds and with eyes that still refuse to open, would frantically start punching on the keypad trying to reach their loyal hubbies on their Airtall mobiles. Little do the innocent women know that the men of the house have spent yet another night at the club cuddled in the long and slender Red arms of the charming Queen of Hearts.

So here it is, the disclaimer:

“ Characters in the blog are highly fictitious and any resemblances in the names or personalities to anyone alive or in services of the Indian Tabasco Company-Chilla, would be considered highly coincidental by the court of law. However the litigant, if there be any, can always draw inspiration from the author and revert back in a manner similar to this rather than wasting time and money in courts.”

The political clout, I was talking about is for Bollywood stars of the likes of Anitabh Dhakkan or Sakh Rooh Kahn (yes, the ‘kumbhmela seperated-13 years later united’ brother of Oliver Kahn). If you think so, then you are as wrong as I had been before joining the Indian Tabasco Company. I believe- in every professional organization, like mine, there is a department that’s dedicated to the service of the country’s IAS officers and ministers, their families, their drivers and servants. The department employs a Welfare Officer (MBA in HR) who is the one-stop-shop for all the tantrums thrown by the above-mentioned list of dignitaries. The crew is headed by an aging Sri Ramchandra garu who acts as the Personal Manager to all these VIPs. I must admit, this is the crew that’s really innovative in whatever they do. Their levels of innovations and participation in every issue, hard or soft, is so high that lesser ‘technically skilled’ mortals like me and my other colleagues just gaze in awe and shock at them. To the world, they go out vacationing to the romantic valleys of Arakku or the placid backwaters of Kerala but when they are back they would have achieved the greatest heights of leadership, team building and capability building techniques and not-to-mention catering!! And why not…. it all depends on the boss. Ramchandra garu has all the traits that go on to prove his roots that lie in Ayodhya. Satyavaadi Maryadapurushottam Ramchandra garu never needs to get up from his royal seat of honor; such is his command and control of the situation in the plant. He has not only trained his department crew but also the technical crew to run the plant without any administrative issues related to labor unions or whatsoever. It’s that human angle that he taught to my colleagues, and me is what I would remember throughout my career. He is the one to make me realize that it’s a heinous crime to wake up a sleeping man or to reject demands of people, whatever it might be!!!
He has been highly successful in passing on his patience levels to all of us..the levels that he has attained over the years of his association and dealings with the VIPs I mentioned earlier.
The entire Tabasco Company bears an awesome spiritual touch in anything that it does. Sometimes I really confuse Tabasco to be a holy shrine!! It’s this touch of divinity that’s seeing the company through. Right from birdshit to coconuts, the all revered Ramakrishna Paramhansa, the Godfather and mastermind of this unit considers everything as a harbinger of luck and prosperity. Leaves refuse to fall (or spill) down, men don’t leave the city and birds just cant stop shitting from trees without the word from the all mighty. In short, Ramakrishna Paramhansa is nothing short of being a Godman!! The numerous hours he has spent throughout his life breaking coconuts, while his fellas were breaking their heads on problems, has landed him in the position he is in today. An ardent devotee of Goddess Kali, he is a man of great strength, youthful vigor and most importantly an eye for GOOD (Gentlemen with Oodles Of Docility) vs. BAD (Bold Adamant Dudes). It’s this special EYE that Maa Kali has gifted him, I have been envying since the day I joined and all I can do is keep sulking and saying “Ram-KEY MAA ki AANKH”!! But the holy Hindu goddess didn’t wish to stop there; She has been exceptionally kind in gifting him with so many good people to work with him-work under him-to the extent even work over him…Imagine, now that’s what I call luck. Sometimes I actually visualize Maa Kali dancing to the tunes of Jhingalala while stamping over all the bad guys in the world before beheading them and thus increasing the tonnage of her D’adams necklace. It’s rumored that Paramhansa only got her addicted to this habit by gifting her a genuine AKR pendant years back. Since then, the only music that has fallen on the ears of bads is ‘Jhingalala HO HO’!!

The favorite disciple of Paramhansa however is the greatest of the greats Vivekananda. This gentleman was inducted into the Indian Navy to serve the nation. So great was his performance in the Naval yards that he represented the country at the United States’ annual Chicago conference. His speech at the conference attained cult status within no time. His chronological prowess suddenly put India into the world map. While all the participants spent their time scribbling down the innumerable dateline charts that were being displayed in his presentation, our man did what he was best at. He unleashed his oratory and took each and every one to a level of mental block and saturation wherein every word he uttered seemed real big and hi-fi to them. So backward those people were that they couldn’t understand a word of what Vivekananda spoke. Ananda spoke of everything on Earth but Navy and Ships; still the meaning was conveyed, the message spread and reputation established forever, such is his style. I hear the day, companies around the globe fired thousands of Chronologists, terming them as Good-for-Nothing, and all this for reasons undisclosed. I also hear that Vivekananda never got a chance to speak at the annual Chicago conference ever again on a unanimous request from all the participants. In search of spirituality and divinity, one fine evening this gentleman bumped into Paramhansa…no prizes for guessing the place right, it got to be the Kali Mata temple. Paramhansa wasted no time in realizing the young gentleman’s state of mind and the legendary league was formed. Vivekananda joined Indian Tabasco Company and brought in the freshest of ideas from the US. He became an idol of GOODism for the unit. His dateline charts became the most talked about stuff and so were the discussions that people used to have with him. His sophistication landed him up in a Business Etiquettes workshop, wherein he learnt various ways of dining sans cutlery. Only dozens of parties later, where he exhibited these skills to his fellas, could the later learn the right way of mashing exotica de Curd Rice using hands into a fine paste, make it drip down your hands while putting the gooey lump in your mouth. He only made us realize that licking your fingers post meals is just an exhibition of the fact that food shouldn’t be washed down the drain!! His dining became such a cynosure to eyes that Tabasco found overseas customers who had actually come to learn dining etiquettes from him but ended up buying our products. One such bakra was Bill Theodore of Brit-Am-Tabasco.

Everything fell right in place for Paramhansa. In Ananda, he found his true disciple and his true successor. “Haaon Saar” and “Yeah Yeah Yeah..you told me so many times saar” became the coolest phrases in the Chilla town. Whatever the two of them ever did, became benchmarks in the world of technology. Paramhansa even got knighted for his efforts, and not once nor twice but a world record 11 times. Word is in the air that the 12th one is about to come its way.

At the helm of all these positive things happening in his life, on the Christmas evening of 2001, Santa Claus gifted him with few new guys who were destined to be the new disciples of Paramhansa. Now, that’s where I enter Chilla and from here I go on to become the hero of this story. My character might sound to be highly inspired by DJ of Rang de Basanti, because that’s the fact. So are my other colleagues, I have been referring to till now, the alter egos of Karan (Vikas), Sukhi (Vroom), Aslam (Neel), Pandey (Sri) and later to be introduced Sue (Mallvika).

But who am I? No, I am not the friendly neighborhood Spiderman. I am Krrish. Don’t think too much, not the leather clad Indian superhero either! I am just another techno-savvy dude who was selected as the chosen one. Well, that’s a different story that I came here to realize that there were four more who thought the same way before landing up at Chilla’s Tabasco plant. About me, I am quite a boring sort of person with looks that maybe only a mother can love. My hobbies are sitting, chatting over any subject under the sun-or-moon-or-stars, smoking and drinking. These just tell you what kind of a lazy and useless bum I am. But these are not the things am best at, because I am the best critic you will ever come across. I just love criticizing people, their works, their actions, and their behavior anything at all.

Oh! Forgot to mention I play billiards that’s where I met Neel for the first time. Neel is an NRI in my gang who knows the unique way of practicing Pool on the Billiards table. I hear he is responsible for the scratched table and the cracked ivory balls. It’s to be kept more confidential than the US mole in the PMO because Neel is Paramhansa’s blue-eyed boy. Neel refrains from the 2 sins like his guru!! You need to talk to him once and you just cant miss out his impeccable accent. Vroom gave me my first high of beach biking on his Muzuki Khayabhoosa. I must mention that I got Vroom and Viks (that’s what I call him) addicted to the cancer stick but the latter’s style in doing so is what really gives me a big-time complex. Viks is the man of style and attitude. He makes a statement in whatever he does, whether its riding bikes or smoking fags. Sri is the ideal son for every mother. Extremely polite and well educated, Sri has everything to be called well settled in life-A good job and a good girl whom he would be marrying soon. Nothing in his life begins without his mother’s clearance. But, I think you need to know why I called him Pandey’s alter ego. Somewhere in his heart lies the desire to try out things that we guys enjoy doing so much. This is what I have been noticing since the day we met- and guess what-between you and me; I did make him try a couple of puffs and a sip each of beer and wine. He is so cultured that he shies from even taking his would-be-wife’s name in public-a trait I thought is associated with only the Pativrata Indian wives!! One day I know Sri will definitely kill me for the amount of bullying that he faces from me, to the extent that one evening I made him admit his girl’s name by framing him face to face with Param garu. Yeah. I know all you guys are waiting for the interesting part of the gang. Mallvika joined us the latest of all. She was, undoubtedly the most waited-for entrant at Tabasco. None of us had seen her but Ramakrishna garu. He did his part in building up the excitement and he was more than ably assisted by Ananda in doing this job. With Mallvika, came a fresh breeze at Chilla. A tall and pretty girl, for that’s what she was, I had no other option but to start addressing her as Maal!! But whatever it was, Maal was the subject of discussion in all the departments. She is quite smart but way away from what all Paramhansa garu had to say about her. As I tell her always, had she been half as much as what she was described like, she wouldn’t have been in our gang.

So people that’s my gang of BADs!!

....Much more excitement lined up!! So,Stay Tuned....

2006-06-15T06:59:00.000-07:00

A fine Monday morning. The Sun was up and its warmth could be felt in the dew drops on the grass blades, the energy it radiated could be seen in the numerous birds fleeting their way out from their cozy nests in search for food and the light it spread just made its way through the venetian blinds in the bedroom of 16-A/4/5B where our man Obelix Sega, had been dreaming.

"What the F***ing hell is this?"...

Please dont think Rodney (thats the name Obelix is popularly known as) is rude and ill-mannered
or...Afterall the poor thing had slept at 4AM after hours of head banging over that crazy Russian
author's book on Physics numericals,IRODOV. For freshers, this gentleman was given Physics tuitions by none other than the Priory of Sion Grand Master Sir Issac Newton. Just to prove his level of clarity in topics like Calculus and Gravity and all that nonsense, he wrote a book for the generations to follow. By doing this, he also ensured a heavy bank balance for the phony tutors like Ravindra Giri and Ajit Sharma. NO HARM...right?? But the One mistake he did was he handed over a manuscript with the solutions (perhaps the only one existing till date) to the secret society that sets the IIT-JEE papers every year.

So, I was telling you about my protagonist Rodney.He gets up, rubs his eyes, checks the dial of the old yellow alarm clock that someone had gifted him. 60 minutes for the morning assembly at Divyajyoti Public School (DPS). Little did he know that this assembly was going to change his life forever. "Time to rush up man!!" Rodney thought and set out for the monotonous process of getting dressed up like a enterpreneur par excellence-Boots,Tie and what not!!

Dressed to kill (himself...none other), now it's time for Rodney to take his macho bike out from the garage. But he finds this gentleman already on the job of shining the vehicle to the best possible extent, so that his son's dark frame just looks drop dead on its white body.

"He thinks it's a bike..Crazy Frog!!" exclaimed Heena, the beautiful girl next door and our man's classmate. The company (Le Mat Lena-LML) people branded it as a small scooter and named it PULSE,the rythm of life. Rodney rode it as if he were on a super bike.Actually, if you were to ask me, it was neither. A white coloured mechanised horenduously fuel guzzling vehicle, that's all it was. But OK, it did serve its purpose. Rodney didnt have to cycle to school and tuitions like many others and of course, once in a while he got a chance to give a lift to some of the pretty girls. A chivalrous gesture..nothing more than that.

Assembly time...The stout Davidoff puffing Principal reads out Tagore's lines as the morning prayer.

"Where the head is held high....My father let my country awake AMEN"

Chenab house starts with the assembly proceedings. The name still strikes a chord somewhere in Rodney's heart. Why not, afterall it was this house that Rodney represented in the numerous events he won, be it Art,Debate or Quiz. Rodney just hated to LOOSE!! Today Rodney was supposed to be conducting the assembly. The load of studies kept him away from it.

"Things must and would just keep going on", mused Rodney while turning down Anandita's offer to hold the dias. Standing somewhere at the back of the line, he still kept his head bowed down as if still lost in some prayers. Bloody Atheist of first order, he is one!! You ought to ask me.

...The rope is slipping down the table, its mass constantly changing, so would its acceleration. Looks like a case of double integration.Hmmm...but Giri hasn't taught me anything like that till now nor did Ajit Sharma mention of it...

Those footsteps and the echoing of the speakers caused due to the adjustment of the microphone on the dias followed by a warm "GOOD MORNING" disturbed the calculations that were going on in Rodney's mind. Our man looks up. What made him look up, the high pitched noise of the mike screeching or the voice of a girl on the dias, I dont know. My man claims it was the screeching noise! Bas**** will never accept that it was the later.

Whatever it was, one look and Rodney realised that it was not going to be the same ever again. "Something about the voice, a voice so firm and yet so sweet, I had never heard before..", Rodney still keeps telling me while puffing out smoke rings with his stick of Insignia. Couple of large pegs of 100 Pipers down his gullet, and he will admit, "One look at her, and the first conversation with her, I knew that she has to be the one".

One thing that I forgot to tell you guys about my man is that, he makes lot of judgements about people, just by the way they talk and express themselves. I must admit that he is blessed in this skill. No doubt he fell flat for the clarity, the confidence and the energy that the pretty girl's voice had. But dont get carried away thnking that it was just her vocal chords that struck Rodney's cardiac chords. The girl in her short body frame was one of the prettiest and undoubtedly the most attractive one he had ever interacted with. "Those two long pony tails keep reminding me that she is my age..because she always spoke at a much higher level", thats what Rodney told me when I saw her hidden photograph in his Hidesign wallet. "She can rip open anyone....never take panga with her"; "She looked so gorgeous on the Teacher's Day in her Mehroon colored saree"; "She is what you can call the balance between being gorgeous and sexy"......BAAH!!You get Rodney into mood and he kills me with these statements. Not that I understand much of it all, but still I have to go through them every time he gets started.

The femme fatale's name was Jeenelia Mukherjee.